I love my life. I thoroughly enjoy being in the classroom and engaging in academia and I love being a mom; yet, there is something incredibly lonely about this experience. Being a parent, a wife, and a full-time student with research responsibilities leaves little time for anything else. And I often find myself feeling like an outsider in social situations. Simply, today has been a silent reminder of all of the feelings that go hand-in-hand with this journey.
Nothing has been particularly different about today than any other day. It's a Saturday and Andrew is out of town for a conference and I am at home with the boys (this is not how every weekend goes, but it isn't uncommon that one of us is out of town for business/education purposes). The mania has begun and breakfast hasn't even hit my digestive track yet. They are off, 4 and 8, slaying each other with light sabers and crying out in victory and defeat. And I am sitting at the computer trying desperately to focus on yet another futile adventure in grad school purgatory. I can't hear to think and my brain feels like mush. I have been up since 6 and went to bed at 2 and I am already desperately in need of my morning coffee. I can't focus on school, I am slacking off on the kids, and I just want to sleep or perhaps start my day off with a stiffer beverage.
And as I type this I can tell you that this is one of those moments where I feel like a fraud maybe even a pod person. When will they find me out and realize that I am faking everything and drowning at the same time? Then again, I think all grown-ups feel this way from time to time, completely overwhelmed and unsure of our capabilities; so I tell myself that this is normal and this too shall pass.
But sometimes I can't help but wonder if this is a more deeply seated problem, one that has gotten into my psyche, one that Jung would loved to have gotten his hands on. Let me share just how ridiculous and out of control this feeling is, as it has gotten into my dreams. My favorite occurred about a month and a half ago when I realized that school was more than I could handle (in retrospect I am still here) and I would break down in random fits of crying-hysteria. One very early morning I awoke in a cold sweat panicked about the events that had just hijacked my dream sleep state. This was one of those dreams where you wake up falling but never hit the ground. It started off fairly normally, it was a replay of my life: getting the kids ready, going to school, feeling overwhelmed and then going off to school, but then it all started over again (kind of like a clip from Groundhog Day) and everything began to spin out of control, in the dream the kids are struggling, my husband leaves and takes them with him and then I head off to school feeling like my heart has been ripped out but pretending that everything is OK. Next, I walk into the building and the professors are there standing at the doors with my peers by their side and they tell me that they were wrong for admitting me. They have realized their mistake and I am to leave immediately. When I try and protest the program chair grabs me by the back of the pants and neck of my shirt and throws me into the street... I never landed only awoke, quite aware that I feel like I am not able to do all of this stuff that makes up my life to the fullest degree that I would like.
This morning I know that I am able to do it, maybe not the very best but my best. I am exhausted and confused about my future and today I feel alone. But I keep telling myself that it will all pay off in the end. Maybe next time when my peers go out for a beer I can get a sitter and bring my husband out. Maybe I will make a friend who is in my situation and then I will have someone to vent to. Until then, I will clean the house, go to school, do the research and continue the journey.
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